It’s been a month and I’m still at the same job. Miracle. It’s not been without its difficulties but I’m hanging in there. I have been having panic attacks since the first week but like I said in my last post, I have been determined to make it work so I have tried various ways of self-calming. I’ve been sat at my desk literally screaming on the inside, desperate to just run out and drive home, but I haven’t let myself do it. Unfortunately, emotions don’t vanish just because you want them to, just because you drive them down into yourself. I started to wake up shaking. That was a new one. One day I woke up shaking, from a nightmare about murdering a rapist by kneeling on his neck. I do not normally dream about anything negative, so this was a shock. Add that to the shaking, and I knew I was in a bad way, but I still tried to go to work. Three or four miles down the road, I realised that I was actively wishing to be in a car crash so that I wouldn’t have to go to work. This is ridiculous – my job is fine, the people are fine, the only problem is the sensory over-stimulation which I can overcome (can’t I?) by wearing ear plugs. Either way, I do not WANT to suffer from this panicky crap anymore. I found myself asking, “Is this how I’ve got to spend my life?! Dominated by irrational emotion?”. I’m so sick of it, and the morning I wanted to be in a motor traffic accident instead of go to work I knew I had to do something.
I turned the car around and went to the doctor. I lied to work and said I had car trouble (which ironically I actually did have, later in the week, hey ho), and told my doctor how frustrating it is to be ruled by irrational emotion and unnecessary panic, and how I need this job to work, and how I WANT this job to work, and that I’m too young to suffer like this all the time, and that I’m just getting myself back on my feet, and she doubled my dose of anti-depressant. She has also referred me for CBT to find ways to control the panic attacks. She didn’t think I was crazy or stupid or malingering.
Things are a bit better, now that the dose is kicking in. I’m not waking up shaking or having nightmares. I’m still internally conflicted about work but I can control it without crying all the time. I’m still socially anxious and it shows, but then I never fit in anywhere. At least my fight-or-flight instincts aren’t triggering for eight hours a day.
We shall see.